I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
