just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize