and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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