I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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