as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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