can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I DEMAND FORESKIN
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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