I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
