Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize