Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize