It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
