you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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