im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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