i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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