I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
