No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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