You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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