Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
