my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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