absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize