I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
