dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
