What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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