is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i think my cat just said my name.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
