I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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