Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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