I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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