You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My bed smells like the plague
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
