i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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