when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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