my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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