I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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