Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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