aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
