Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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