woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
