So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
