Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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