whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
