Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
