I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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