remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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