omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
