tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
