UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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