ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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