somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
