Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
