It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
