you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
