i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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