I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
