when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
