my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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