I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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