I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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