I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
