I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
