Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
