Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
