My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
