I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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