the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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