Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
