I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
