Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
