It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
