one two three fourrrrnication!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
