my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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