I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
