Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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