I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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