And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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